I’ve been recovering from carpal tunnel surgery and ran across this post that I type a few months ago, so I thought I’d post it, and dedicate it to Vern, my pal Janna’s husband, who seems to find me funny.
To sum up my day, I’ve had coughing and head/chest congestion for days, I didn’t sleep most of the night because of the coughing, the little one went to bed at 6:30 p.m. so she decided 3:00 a.m. was a reasonable start to her morning (which included two different bowls of cereal two hours apart) and of course, cartoon watching.
I woke up before my alarm (that’s a minute I’ll never get back), I got a steroid shot in the hip to help my recovery along, I parked 3 feet in front of the gas pump because I’m sick (and got the steroid shot) and couldn’t properly judge how far away it was, I bought creamed corn – I never buy creamed corn (nothing against it, I just never buy it).
I had to go grocery shopping a day early because my daughter’s teacher needed a folder with brads “ASAP,” I had to explain to a bug-guy salesman that I already had a bug guy and that was awkward for reasons I can’t entirely explain. I cleaned my house for another house showing (this is probably news – but it’s true, I’m trying to sell my house – the one that my husband bought that I didn’t see until I moved in because I was delivering a baby in another state).
I swept and mopped the floors and then my son dropped half a pint of raspberries on the floor, then he says (after polishing off the remaining raspberries that were still in the container) that we’re out of raspberries. Why is it that boys/men tend to point out the obvious as if it’s news?
So I cleaned up the floor, again. Did I mention that my son was hot in his long sleeved shirt and pants, but instead of changing into short sleeves (like I suggested) he decided he was going to search for something to eat to cool him off – like “raspberries and a chocolate chip cookie.” Makes sense to me, or does it?
I should mention that when talking to men, or boys (for that matter), we can’t talk to them like they’re women. You can’t say “Maybe you should put up your walking stick before you twirl it into the television,” you know, appealing to their common sense. Nope, that invites conversation, and you’ll hear all the reasons it’s a good idea. It’s better to say “put up your walking stick right now.” They understand language in its plainest form. Now if you were to talk like that to a woman, she might think your aggresive from your steroid shot (or whatever), but not men. Nope. They understand directness, well, most of them anyway.
And here’s the clincher, my husband calls (he’s out of town again), and pisses me off. For anyone out there that knows my husband, his life mission is to piss me off. If I die before he does, he’ll be along shortly as he will have died of boredom from not pissing me off.
What did he say that pissed me off? Oh, great question. Well for one, he’s falling asleep as I talk on the phone. Then he tells me that he misses me, but that he thinks we ought to trade sides of the bed, because he likes my side better since he’s been sleeping on my side of the bed in his hotel room. I told him that trading sides of the bed, is tantamount to suggesting to me that we trade genders. Not going to happen. He told me that was a bad example. I disagree, it was a very clear example.
Then to make matters worse, he had to eat out (must be so rough) and now he’s exhausted from being unable to sleep last night (you know, full moon and all), so he’s going to try to get some rest. He suggests I do the same.
I say “you know, because that’s going to happen seeing as how I’ve been on the phone with you, and I still have a spelling test to go over, snacks to get ready for school tomorrow, a costume to get out for the field trip, pioneer food (basket with non refrigerated food items to pack in towels and twine – no joke), kids to bathe and put to bed, and a shower to take myself.” I guess, he sort of got it (probably not), but enough to remember that he too has children, so he asks me if they’ve been behaving. My response? For the most part, and when they don’t I hold them accountable. I’m not really good with that whole “I’ll tell your dad” thing, because I don’t want to give my power away. I’m more of a I’m-in-charge-here-I-dare-you-to-question-me type. And yes, that’s precisely how I plan on dealing with my husband when he questions any purchases, or decisions, I’ve made in his absence. That, and reminding him that I’ve been shoveling poo from his miniature “ponies” in the backyard for 3 weeks.